The new and improved Me

Hello to all you beautiful people! I've missed you. Lots. I cannot begin to tell you how life has changed for me in the past two months. It has been wild, unexpected, and completely wonderful. Now, how do I go about telling you the updates? Do I write a separate post for each, giving me room to elaborate and differentiate from the other news? Or do I list them in bullets and keep it short and sweet? Decisions. Life is all about decisions, isn't it? I think I should start at the beginning, the tipping point. It will help make things more clear and understandable (at least that's what I am hoping for..). Just prepare yourself, while it may be a sad beginning, I promise you it has one of the happiest of happy endings (or new beginnings, whichever way you see it).

It began on the day before Valentine's day. You see, my heart had been pulling me in so many directions. I felt utterly lost and overwhelmingly confused. Deep down, I did not feel good about the spot I was in. Sam and I had been together for over two years. Don't get me wrong, those were some of the very best years of my life. I learned and loved in a way unlike anything I could have anticipated. We became best friends. It took me a while to notice (or maybe accept is a better word) that we were lacking something. I couldn't describe it, especially to my family, which was really hard for me. Everyone loves Sam. I joked for a long time that I thought they loved him more than me... although I know that wasn't the truth. However, it still bothered me. I felt like I couldn't let my real feelings out because I had other people to protect. I didn't want anyone to get emotionally damaged.

Anyways,
I was tired of masking my apprehensions, it was getting harder and harder to do as the days went on. He began to see it. He saw me start to question things. At first, I didn't want to admitt it. I wanted to work it out and just hope for the best. A few months into this dark phase, I struck reality. I realized that what we were lacking was passion. Sure, I loved him and he loved me. But a relationship isn't all about love, is it? It's about comittment, desire, inspiration...it goes far beyond satisfaction or admiration. I didn't have the urge to make every moment with him, or show the world our undeniably amazing love for one another. As much as I wanted it to be there, it wasn't.

I ended it on the day before Valentine's day. It was the hardest thing I have had to do and yet, it was the best thing I have done. I still appreciate him and think fondly of him. I am glad that although it was a painful time, we are still able to talk to each other or simply smile as we pass by on our way to class. He will always have a piece of me, as silly as that sounds. I am not sure if he fully understands what happened or why it happened, but I believe that one day he will.

On to the brighter side...

This is the happiest I have been in a long time. A LONG TIME. Those of you who really know me know that I've never been an unhappy person... but I have never imagined that it was possible to be this happy. Of course, there are any reasons for this feeling. And yes, I will share them all.. in due time :) I feel free for the first time. I feel invigorated. I feel inspired. I feel Beautiful, Spontaneous, Light, Dreamy. Adventurous.

Happy.

I urge you to follow your heart. It will never lead you astray. Your heart is who you are, if you don't listen to it..then you are being untrue to yourself. I cannot tell you enough how good it feels to be me again. I am free. I am alive. And I can't get enough.

<3 J

Disclaimer: When I promised, promised, promised I would post "tomorrow" on Friday.. tomorrow meant the next weekday. Although, I'm sure you all caught on to that... ;-) Happy Monday, everyone!